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J Debra Grube's avatar

Trump is really ushering in the end times here. Setting up AI to move forward at break neck speed? Slow down PRES DON- we have a country to save not destroy. Work on getting the immigrants back home. I do believe the rest will fall into place. But we do not need AI running anything. I have been so disappointed with what I’ve seen so far it doesn’t even acknowledge truth. That is a dangerous dangerous place to be in.

Factscinator's avatar

🎄 NOW HIRING: FESTIVE SEASON DEATH STRATEGIST 🎅💀

Location: Illinois, USA❄️

Department: Ministry of Accelerated Departures (MAD almost MAID)

🎁⚰️ ‘Tis the season to be… terminal?

Our award-losing Expansion Taskforce needs YOU — yes, you — to help streamline holiday cheer straight into the afterlife! 💫

🎯 Position Overview

As our new Death Strategist, you’ll help grow our festive portfolio by “assisting departures” for citizens feeling:

😢 a little down

💸 a bit broke

🥺 slightly lonely

🤧 mildly allergic to bureaucracy

❄️🎅 or simply inconvenienced by December

If they blink twice or sigh too heavily — that’s a lead! 👀⚠️

🔧 Key Responsibilities

🕯️ Conduct compassionate consultations — preferably under twinkling Christmas lights for that warm Hallmark-movie glow

🎁 Offer gift-wrapped exit options (bow optional, consent form occasionally required)

💬 Reassure confused clients that “No, no, it’s totally normal for a government to suggest this.”

📉 Meet seasonal quotas — because nothing says festive spirit like year-end numbers!

🛷 Coordinate with logistics teams for same-day, weather-dependent send-offs

🧤 Qualifications

🧘 Strong moral flexibility

📝😇 Experience with paperwork, persuasion, and plausible deniability

😐💬 Ability to keep a straight face during ethically dubious conversations

🎶⚰️ Familiarity with holiday carols — especially Silent Night (Permanently)

🎧 Bonus points for prior work in customer service, government, or other fields requiring emotional detachment

🎅 Why Join Us?

✨ Competitive salary

✨ End-of-year bonuses based on “successful closures”

✨ Complimentary hot chocolate for every ethically ambiguous case

✨ Be part of a team boldly redefining “healthcare” in ways absolutely no one requested 🎄🔨

⚠️ Disclaimer

This is a fictional, satirical job posting.

Any resemblance to real policies, agencies, locations, or outcomes is entirely intentional 😉🎭

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