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Factscinator's avatar

NOW HIRING: OLIGARCH

📍 Location: UK 🇬🇧

💰 Salary: Astronomical, plus offshore perks 🏝️ and castles 🏰

🕰️ Start Date: ASAP − democracy is proving inconvenient 🗳️🚫

Position Summary

The UK is expanding its Elite Enrichment Department™ 🏦 and seeks qualified Oligarchs to further the noble tradition of ruling through self-enrichment. If you enjoy collapsing economies 📉 from the comfort of a private jet ✈️ while starring in your PR firm’s soft-focus documentary 🎥 this may be your moment to shine. 🌟

Ideal Candidate Will Possess the Following Qualifications

💎 Generational wealth, preferably inherited, laundered, or acquired via creative colonial accounting 🧾

🌳 Family tree shaped like a pretzel 🥨 (marriage must stay in the bloodline, for complication-free offspring)

🍾 Flair for deindustrializing nations while quoting Greta 🌱 and sipping champagne from your private jet ✈️

🤑 Family ties to the financiers of nazis & bolsheviks

💸 Proven ability to evade taxes while lecturing others on sustainability 🌍

💣 Expertise in saddling countries with debt and forever wars, preferably under the banner of freedom or stability 🕊️

🏳️ Skilled in eroding national sovereignty, preferably while waving a NATO flag 🚩 and crying about unity

🚪 Passion for mass undocumented immigration, ideally as a distraction while you and your friends buy up housing stock 🏘️

🕵️ Comfortable networking across banks, spooks, and mobsters 🤝 — bonus points for attending Bilderberg without blinking 🎟️

🧬 Talent for rebranding eugenics as equity-driven bioethics 🧪

🍯 Proficient in the art of sexual blackmail (must bring your own honeypot 🐝)

📱 Ability to work with Big Tech to herd peasants into a beautifully designed digital gulag 💻🔐

🦠 Gifted at rebranding economic collapse as a public hellth emergency 🧯 (Event 201 attendance in the wake of 2020 repo market crisis a plus)

📺 Must have media empire ownership or influence — or at minimum, a BBC weekend slot 🎤

🕊️ Strong track record of funding free speech candidates while ghostwriting their censorship bills ✍️

🩸 Willingness to create NGOs and hire PR firms to make blood-soaked billions look like impact investing 🧽

💉 Comfortable weaponizing ’hellth’ mandates and jab passports to build the biometric panopticon of your dreams 👁️

Preferred Skills

👅 Tongue forked, glove velvet — smile polished 😬✨

💷 Proven record of funneling public trillions to discreet oligarchs 🏦

😐 Ability to say “You’ll own nothing and be happy“without laughing

🗣️ Fluency in Newspeak, WEF jargon, and EU technobabble 🌀

🌍 Cross-cultural experience laundering influence through charities, shell start-ups, narcotics 💊 arms trafficking 🔫 political ’donations,’ and yacht parties overflowing with champagne and underage honeys 🚤🍾

What We Offer

🏝️ Your own Caribbean tax haven and influential roles at captured institutions

🎖️ Complimentary Knighthoods and all connections to Jimmy Saville and Epstein scrubbed clean 🧽

☎️ Direct hotline to IMF, ECB, BIS, WHO, and the World Bank

🔥 Custom-tailored crises to keep the masses busy while you rebrand theft as Reset™

🎭 A starring role in the UK’s final chapter — with streaming rights 📺

📢 Apply today!!

Democracy won’t dismantle itself 🏛️💥

Serfs need not apply. They’re already on file. 📂

🪙 This ad was brought to you by the Bank of Boot on Your Neck™ 👢 — aka the City of London 🏦

Martin's avatar

All these "headlines" are just more of the same old, same old Punch & Judy stuff. Anything to keep the status quo of the last 50 years going, and the juicy defense contracts with it.

Trump and Ukraine... "Two weeks and then..." Then nothing, as usual. Which means more $50 billion "packages" for Ukraine, more energy crisis and deindustrialization for the EU. For many years to come.

Who benefits - THAT is the question to ask yourself.

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