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Factscinator's avatar

🏛️📰 NOW HIRING: OLIGARCH

Location: European Union

Salary: Astronomical, plus offshore perks, and shares in The Great Taking

Start Date: ASAP − democracy is proving inconvenient

💼 Position Summary:

The European Union is expanding its Elite Enrichment Department™ and seeks qualified Oligarchs to further the noble tradition of ruling without accountability. If you enjoy collapsing economies from the comfort of a private jet, this may be your moment to shine—preferably through your PR firm’s soft-focus documentary series.

🔮 Ideal Candidate Will Possess the Following Qualifications:

💰 Generational wealth, preferably inherited, laundered, or acquired via creative colonial accounting

🪢 Family tree shaped like a pretzel (marriage must stay in the bloodline, for complication-free offspring)

🏭 Flair for deindustrializing nations while quoting Greta and sipping champagne

🧾 Family ties to the financiers of nazis & bolsheviks

🕳️ Proven ability to evade taxes while lecturing others on sustainability

💣 Expertise in saddling countries with debt and forever wars, preferably under the banner of freedom or stability

🇪🇺 Skilled in eroding national sovereignty, preferably while waving an EU flag and crying about unity

🛂 Passion for mass undocumented immigration, ideally as a distraction while your friends buy up housing stock

🤝 Comfortable networking across banks, spooks, and mobsters—bonus points for attending Bilderberg without blinking

🧪 Talent for rebranding eugenics as equity-driven bioethics

🕵️‍♂️ Proficient in the art of sexual blackmail (must bring your own honeypot)

📱 Ability to work with Big Tech to herd peasants into a beautifully designed digital gulag

🦠 Gifted at rebranding economic collapse as a public hellth emergency (Event 201 attendance in the wake of 2020 repo market crisis a plus)

📺 Must have media empire ownership or influence—or at minimum, a state-broadcaster weekend slot

🗳️ Strong track record of funding free speech candidates while ghostwriting their censorship bills

🌍 Willingness to create NGOs and hire PR firms to make blood-soaked billions look like impact investing

💉 Comfortable weaponizing ‘hellth’ mandates and jab passports to build the biometric panopticon of your dreams

🧠 Preferred Skills:

👅 Tongue forked, glove velvet — smile polished

🪙 Proven record of funneling public trillions to discreet oligarchs

🗣️ Ability to say “You’ll own nothing and be happy” without laughing

🔊 Fluency in Newspeak, WEF jargon, and EU technobabble

🛳️ Cross-cultural experience laundering influence through charities, shell start-ups, narcotics and arms trafficking, political ‘donations,’ and yacht parties overflowing with champagne and underage honeys

💻 What We Offer:

🏝️ Your own Caribbean tax haven and influential roles at captured institutions

🏆 Complimentary Nobel Peace Prize (terms and photo ops apply)

📞 Direct hotline to IMF, ECB, BIS, WHO, and the World Bank

🔥 Custom-tailored crises to keep the masses busy while you rebrand theft as Reset

🎬 A starring role in humanity’s final chapter — with streaming rights

🚀 Guaranteed Davos panel seat — snow boots included

🕴️ Apply today!!

Democracy won’t dismantle itself.

Serfs need not apply. They’re already on file.

This ad was brought to you by the Bank of Boot on Your Neck.

Baldmichael's avatar

Jesus is the Rock, Larry Fink is the Black Rock. A fink is a contemptible person. Laurence Douglas Fink, his full name, anagrams to:

- a gold UN Lucifer snake

I fink he must be happy as Larry to be interim co-chair of the WEF. :)

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