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Factscinator's avatar

🎄 NOW HIRING: FESTIVE SEASON DEATH STRATEGIST 🎅💀

Location: Canada 🇨🇦❄️

Department: Ministry of Intentional Accelerated Departures (MAID)

🎁⚰️ ‘Tis the season to be… terminal?

Our award-losing Expansion Taskforce needs YOU — yes, you — to help streamline holiday cheer straight into the afterlife! 💫

🎯 Position Overview

As our new Death Strategist, you’ll help grow our festive portfolio by “assisting departures” for citizens feeling:

😢 a little down

💸 a bit broke

🥺 slightly lonely

🤧 mildly allergic to bureaucracy

❄️🎅 or simply inconvenienced by December

If they blink twice or sigh too heavily — that’s a lead! 👀⚠️

🔧 Key Responsibilities

🕯️ Conduct compassionate consultations — preferably under twinkling Christmas lights for that warm Hallmark-movie glow

🎁 Offer gift-wrapped exit options (bow optional, consent form occasionally required)

💬 Reassure confused clients that “No, no, it’s totally normal for a government to suggest this.”

📉 Meet seasonal quotas — because nothing says festive spirit like year-end numbers!

🛷 Coordinate with logistics teams for same-day, weather-dependent send-offs

🧤 Qualifications

🧘 Strong moral flexibility

📝😇 Experience with paperwork, persuasion, and plausible deniability

😐💬 Ability to keep a straight face during ethically dubious conversations

🎶⚰️ Familiarity with holiday carols — especially Silent Night (Permanently)

🎧 Bonus points for prior work in customer service, government, or other fields requiring emotional detachment

🎅 Why Join Us?

✨ Competitive salary

✨ End-of-year bonuses based on “successful closures”

✨ Complimentary hot chocolate for every ethically ambiguous case

✨ Be part of a team boldly redefining “hellthcare” in ways absolutely no one requested 🎄🔨

⚠️ Disclaimer

This is a fictional, satirical job posting.

Any resemblance to real policies, agencies, locations, or outcomes is entirely intentional 😉🎭 🇨🇦🕺🎉🎄🎁

Alice's avatar

This is happening often in the US. It is in no way unique. We just learned a client’s husband was hospitalized and they gave him the deadly blood thinner Eliquis, which he had never been on nor was he or his wife advised of this. He bled to death and suffered a horrifying death that she refers to as murder. The last place you want to go is a hospital. You are forced to sign all your rights away and allow them to do whatever they choose to do. The official third cause of death in this country is death by the medical system. It is amazing how many people still trust the medical system.

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